i stopped putting on a fake smile and everyone notices. i wouldnt want anyone to notice but what could i do? where ever i run away to, my classmates are always there. they ask the same questions, are you ok? and to be honest, im sick of that question.

i've tried everything i ever knew. just to heal myself. i dont really like myself very much. i almost gave up on myself. but family and friends saved me. thank God i have these people around. if it wasnt for them, i would be in my grave by now, 6 feet under. acting out of stupidity.

im starting to read the bible. which comes in handy when im really bored and out of mind. it just cleanses your head for that time frame. i just read the short proverbs which doesnt require much of my time reading. so yeah. the bible has been my savior for today. i almost cut myself again today but i just held on. i couldnt bare the look on my mums face when she sees the scars on my arms, neither can i. the only problem is that i cant bare the pain. everyday i feel it. it sucks.

a few questions that i need to know. how you could ever hurt me so.
i need to know what i've done wrong and how long it's been going on. was it that I never paid enough attention or did i not give enough affection. not only will your answers keep me sane but i'll know never to make the same mistake again. you can tell me to my face or even on the phone. you can write it in a letter. either way i've have to know
did i never treat you right
did i always start the fight
either way i'm going out of my mind. all the answers to my questions i have to find.

rick.